It’s a New Year and my life is shifting. Soon, very soon, I will be living alone with my 4 year old daughter. My marriage will be taking a hiatus. The house will become my haven. My friends and family will be welcome. My cats will be welcome. My music and my attitude will be welcome.
This is not where I am going to vent about my husband, or anyone else for that matter. That is what my journal is for. This is where I hope to re-discover the things that bring me joy. This is where I will contemplate my discoveries, my frustrations, my struggles, my triumphs and my failures. I have of late realized that I tend to candy-coat the negatives in my life. I have what my father calls a “short memory” for the bad stuff (though certainly I still hold grudges and recall the pains of past events). When I am living the events, trying to make sense of them and get through them, I don’t always see the trees for the forest. Or the forest for the trees, for that matter.
It’s how I imagine war to be. Certainly it is how loving an alcoholic is. Or trying to heal a relationship with an abusive unfaithful boyfriend. Or working for a big law firm in the midst of trial. When you are in the middle of it, you cannot see it clearly. It is only when you can take a step back that you can see the detail and the nuances. I know there is a quote about this somewhere… I cannot find it and so I struggle to describe it myself. I hope with some clarity.
Mostly, though, I do not want to re-hash the past. I want to move forward and, though cliche, “find myself” again. My goal is to have more beauty and joy in my life, less perfection and judgment.